Becoming 'Nara
by Lattelady
Summary: Mal and Inara romance. Missing scene from BDM and after. What force is strong enough to make a Companion admit she loves and thaw the heart of a lonely Browncoat.


14

**Disclaimer: **It all belongs to Joss

**Rating: **R

**Pairing: **Mal/Inara

**Beta: My magic beta lady: Ceslas**

**Timeframe: **Missing scene from BDM, after Mal and Inara argue in the lounge and then the cargo bay. Second section begins after the BDM

**_Becoming 'Nara_**

**_By_**

_**Lattelady**_

The Companion archives carefully tracked all of the Guild's members. On the almost unheard of occasion that one of them strayed, there was always an inquiry. That was the case with Miss Inara Serra. Though the archivist only posted a short note, the young ladies who'd had the pleasure of being her students for one summer at the only Training House on the Rim knew there was much more to it, than the Guild would ever admit.

They had all heard the delicious rumors of Miss Inara and her year spent on the ship owned by a pirate Captain. They'd been present the day he'd slipped into the House, fought a representative of Parliament, and carried her off, never to be seen again in polite society.

Over time the stories grew to legend proportion. No one ever spoke of the driving force behind Inara's choice to follow a man, like Malcolm Reynolds into a battle she was unlikely to survive. Nor did they mention the strength of will it took for them to bury their dead and rebuild their lives, out of the ashes of that battle. Not even in the highest circles of the Guild was it whispered that a love existed strong enough to dissolve the tight control of a Companion and resurrect the lost soul of an ex-soldier.

Only two people in the 'verse knew the real story and even they weren't sure how it had all began, but the turning points were burned into their memories forever.

_1. First Cut Is The Hardest_

The first time they made love it was more like fighting. Inara had only herself to blame. She'd returned to _Serenity_ less than forty minutes earlier. Mal was bitter and angry, already resenting that he'd brought her back. She should have been smart and not continued their argument from the lounge, by following him into the cargo bay, but she was worried about his safety and she couldn't stop herself.

His angry words had cut deeply. Acting on instinct, she'd lifted the heavy drapes of her skirt and followed him up the stairs, calling out his name. The familiar patter of her slippers as they hit each step had distracted her. They sang to her of home. She was unprepared for the glowering man who waited on the catwalk, with his arms crossed.

"What do ya want, Inara?" Mal's voice was tired and tinged with desperation. He knew he shouldn't have taken his temper out on her, but he'd needed to set the emotions free and there was no one else in the 'verse he would have been willing to let see them. His words had poured over her and he's seen her flinch, but he couldn't have stopped them. Sure she messed him up and spun him about, but the worst was the way she made him want. It was something he couldn't tell even her.

"I…" She raised her head and almost fell backward as she bumped into his immovable form.

"Easy there." He grabbed her shoulders to steady her and her hands reached for him.

"I didn't mean to argue with you…" she ran out of breath as she caught the glint in his blue eyes. "That man…his determination…you…" she licked her lips and tried to go on, but to do so would be to continue the pervious argument.

Neither was sure who made the first move, but suddenly they had their arms around each other and they were kissing. His hands dug into her waist, picking her up and pulling her deep into the darkened aft corridor where he pinned her tightly against the wall with his body. Never once in their odd dance through the back of the ship, did their lips separate. As their tongues learned the taste and shape of each other's mouth, his hands moved into her hair to pull it free.

"Mal," she whimpered, unsure if she was begging him to stop or trying to spur him on. Oh Buddha what was he was doing to her? Feelings she didn't know she had were springing free, as his nimble fingers manipulated the tiny hooks and eyes on the back of her dress. They drove her to frantically unbutton his shirt. With each button she reminded herself that she must maintain control as all Companions were taught. With him that had always been difficult. In an attempt to regain ground she'd lost as she'd moaned helplessly while he'd kissed her neck, she reached for the fasteners on his pants.

"No, not yet," his words sounded like ground glass. "Not gorramn yet!" She tasted better than he'd ever dreamt. He finished biting and kissing his way down her throat, as she mewed and arched her body against his. When his callused work-worn hand moved under the loosened bodice of her gown, she shivered.

"Please, please," she chanted, but didn't know she was crying out.

It took all his control, but he shoved her shoulders against the wall so he could look her full in the face. "I ain't got no use for a Companion, but I'd sure as hell like a taste of the woman. You got that in you, Inara?" he snarled in desperation, working frantically to catch his breath. He wasn't sure he could walk away, but he'd sure as hell try, if she turned out to be only the professional and not the person he'd always hoped her to be.

They stared at each other. It was her move and she didn't know if she could take it. Her body was on fire, and she was swamped with feelings of joy and desire. Her rational side told her to pull back. The feelings she was having were contrary to everything she'd been taught. The most basic rule of the Guild was that Companions kept themselves in control so they could feel the needs of their client. Some members of her profession allowed themselves to take pleasures on the side, but Inara had always looked down upon that idea, feeling it would hinder her abilities. Strict control had been her mainstay when she serviced her clients and interacted with friends. Only this man was different, only he had been able to stir her anger, send laughter bubbling through her, and more than once, make her cry.

Mal felt a tightening in his stomach. She was going to walk away, he was sure of it. With almost gentle hands he reached to pull the front of her dress back into place. It was her undoing.

"No," she threw back her head. "Please don't leave me like this." In that moment she willingly passed the control to him and clung on for dear life.

He nodded, not caring how easily they could be discovered. He finally had his chance and he was taking it. He pulled up her heavy velvet skirt and guided one of her legs around his hip. His fingers moved along her thigh and he gasped when he discovered she wasn't wearing panties. "_Ren ci di Fo zu_," he prayed to her god since he didn't believe in his any longer. He felt her tremble against him, as he touched her.

Inara seemed to lose the ability to think, she was just there, swamped in feelings and pleasures she'd never imagined. When he finally told her to unfasten his pants, her fingers had almost no control. When he drove into her she bit her lip to keep from crying out. She'd never realized being with a man was like this, though some small part of her understood that it was like this because it was this man, only this man.

Mal shook with need, and he knew she could feel it. He wasn't sure how much longer he could last. He'd been dreaming about 'Nara for too damn long. In desperation he pulled back and looked her in the eyes, but he hardly recognized the passionate woman who looked back. "Let go 'Nara," he demanded. "Let yourself go, this ain't gonna be a solo trip!"

"I can't." Her large brown eyes swam with tears and were tinged with fear.

"Yes ya can. I got ya. We can do anything, 'Nara." He felt her arms move tighter around him, up his back until she was gripping his shoulders from behind. Her head was rested on his chest and she fit against him like perfection. "Just look me in the eyes and I'll take ya where we need to go." He watched her nod like a trusting child her gaze lost in his. When he moved against her again, he discovered the unheard of joy of 'Nara Serra unraveling in his arms. He lowered his lips to hers. Her gasps of pleasure were caught deep in his throat and his echoed back as every nerve ending in his body exploded along with hers.

Neither knew how long they stood there holding tightly to one another. Their heart beats slowed and returned to normal. Mal knew that if he died right now, it wouldn't matter because he'd finally found what he'd been looking for all these years in the Black He ran his hands through her hair and gently kissed her temple. He could feel her beginning to cry and he feared the worst.

Before he could say anything a loud thumping noise, like a muffled gun shot echoed throughout the ship. There were running feet and people were shouting.

"'Nara…" He was torn. How could he leave her like this?

"Go, Mal, you have to. It's what you do." Her eyes filled with tears and he kissed her lids. "Please, I'm all right and it's not like I'm going anywhere." She shivered as he pulled away from her. "Button up," she called after him, amazed she could get the words out.

'Nara shook and felt her balance begin to give way. With the last little bit of strength she possessed, she stumbled around the corner into the engine room. A huge fissure had been opened in her life and she didn't know what to do. Tears ran down her face as she slid against the wall, sure she was hidden from prying eyes. Companions didn't feel during the act of sex, but Dear Buddha how he'd made her feel.

Minutes later Kaylee whizzed into the room and almost fell over her slumped on the floor under the Mechanic's rainbow hammock. "Inara..." She looked at the older woman whose make-up was smudged, hair disheveled, and dress open partway down the back. "Oh gosh." The young girl hopped from one foot to the other. "Ahhh, oh gosh, you're a mite…well not yourself."

"The ship?" she licked her lips needing to know that Mal was all right.

"Yeah, every things shiny, or will be soon. River conked Jayne on the head and locked herself on the bridge. Captain's workin' on openin' the crawl space right now ta get to her." That's when she put the picture together and something nasty tugged at her innards. "The Captain," she gasped. "He didn't…he wouldn't 'a…"

"No," the shivering woman shook her head. "No, he never would." Tears filled her eyes but she tried to smile to reassure her young friend. When she felt her lips begin to quiver, she covered her mouth with her hand.

"Then you and he finally…sorry, t'ain't my business." Kaylee bit her lip, still confused. Captain and Inara had been circlin' each other like a stallion and mare in heat for as long as they'd known each other. It looked like they finally did somethin' 'bout it and Inara looked like a startled virgin the morning after. Sex was somethin' Companions did all the time, weren't it? "Let me help ya, up. Get ya to your shuttle. Ya need ta wash your face and…ah…some of the fasteners on ya dress is…well…ah torn. Ya might want to change."

Inara, held on tightly to Kaylee as they slowly moved through the ship. For the first time in her life, the Companion had come face to face with the part of her who was 'Nara, and all could do was cry.

_2. Lost _

Inara woke up soaking wet and trembling. Her heart pounded and the sound of Reavers screamed through her head in half remembered dreams. She bucked-up out of the rainbow colored hammock in the engine room and tried to catch her breath. Without thinking she did the one thing she knew that would calm her shaking nerves, she ran to the crew quarters. Her hand was on Mal's hatch when she realized what she was doing.

She'd spent enough nights curled up on the deck beside his bed, when he'd first been released from the Alliance hospital, listening to the reassuring sound of his breathing to know that was all that mattered. It took her a while to understand that his close presents, sleeping, alive, and getting stronger everyday, had been what kept her from falling apart after she'd learned the truth about Miranda. He was better now, up and around, working on _Serenity_ with the rest of the crew, though Simon kept a close eye on him. But that meant no more reassuring night vigils for Inara.

She shivered as she realized how cold she was. The wet sheen had dried on her body, but her blue silk night gown was still damp and chilly against her skin. On tip-toes she snuck onto the bridge and reached into the locker for Mal's army blanket. Holding it close to her face she breathed in his scent and hoped it would help to calm her.

"Inara, go to him, it's what ya both need." Zoë's sleepy voice came quietly from where she was curled up in Wash's old chair.

"I…don't know what you mean."

"Just do it girl, no one knows how much time a body has, you shouldn't be wasting it." The First-Mate never moved from her position or opened her eyes. "Now leave me in peace."

Inara held tightly to her nerves and tapped in the keycode to Mal's bunk. Simon had given it to her because she had been the one watching him at night, when he was still too ill to be left alone, but had refused to remain in the infirmary.

Moving as quietly as she could she opened the hatch and climbed down the ladder. Before her feet touched the deck, she could hear his deep even breaths. Standing for a moment she gripped the blanket to her chest and counted them.

"'Nara, come here." Mal snagged her wrist and pulled her to the side of his bed.

"I…how…"

"Ya got the best womanly scent, gives ya away every time. I came to rely on that sweetness all the nights ya sat by my side when I was mendin'." His fight with the Operative had done more damage than anyone realized, until he'd passed out just after River had lowered her weapons and let the Alliance troops in. The dark man's sword had ruptured the Captain's spleen and he'd had internal bleeding.

"I shouldn't be here." She tried to back away, but he wouldn't let go.

"Then why'd ya come?"

"Nightmares, I keep having them…I'm sorry to have bothered you." But even as she spoke, she didn't move.

"Come on, get in." He sat up and patted the bed between him and the wall. "Havin' another warm body close keeps the bad dreams away. Come on, I'm not expectin' sex, but if ya got a mind to, I won't turn ya down. 'Course I still don't want the Companion, but it'd be mighty comfortin' to have the woman. Just keep in mind my stamina I ain't what it was, we might have to work something out." He shrugged and as she crawled past him, he kissed her shoulder.

"Mal, are you sure this is such a good idea?" She shivered as he ran his hands over her arms and worked his way under her gown. "Simon will kill me if I open your wound again."

"We'll have to be careful than." He leaned in close and kissed her. "I got a powerful need to feel your skin against mine, Miss Serra. That last time, well, we got interrupted way too soon."

"It's just as well. You would have had me naked in the aft corridor." She reached for his shoulders to keep her balance as his hands slowly ran up her thighs.

"Not so much, I got rules 'bout that." He shivered as she kissed his neck and under his jaw. "'Sides I'd always dreamed that the first time I got you naked, it'd be right here in my bunk."

Every bone in her body went weak when he touched her and talked to her that way. The next thing she knew he'd pulled her gown over her head and was kissing his way over her body.

"'Nara," he gasped as they moved against one another. For the first time he was able to explore where ever he wanted and his want had been buildin' for almost two years. They lay on their sides, facing each other, taking the time they hadn't bothered with before. He discovered she had a mole under her left breast and she took time to examine the tattoo on his right hip. She kissed her way over all the scars she could find. There was one from a large knife on his right shoulder and from a bullet his left bicep. She lightly nuzzled his newest injury from the Operative and cried as she nibbled where Atherton Wing's sword had cut into him."

He kissed away her tears and made her moan instead as his strong hands moved over her perfect silky skin. Finally he lifted her to straddle his hips. As she covered him, he slid his hand up her sides and cupped her breasts. She rode him gently ever mindful of his newly repaired side. He could see her shaking, fighting some unseen boundary as little mewing sounds escaped her throat.

"Let go, 'Nara," he demanded as his hand slipped under her with his fingers exploring. "You won't fall. I'll catch ya."

'Nara looked at him with huge almost frightened eyes and nodded as her breath hitched from the sensations he was causing. She bit her lip and went up on her knees only to push down hard. His touch and fullness sent her flying. "Mal," she whispered as every nerve ending in her body exploded and she felt him push deeper into her as he unraveled, her name a soft whisper on his lips. For a moment she thought they'd both died. For some reason it didn't matter, as long as it was both of them. When she could breathe again she was slumped across his chest and he was slowly running his hands over her back, whispering, "'Nara, sweet 'Nara."

Once he'd pulled up the covers and had her comfortably curled against his side with her head on his shoulder, he looked down at her with heavy lids. "I know it's not gentlemanly like ta fall asleep before a lady, but as I said before, my stamina ain't what it was." He yawned and fought to stay awake. "'Sides you told me often enough I'm a brigand, not a gentleman, but for you, I'd try…" his last words came out with a sigh as his eyes closed and he fell asleep.

Tears streamed down 'Nara's cheeks and she was glad he wouldn't know she'd cried. What Mal did to her was devastating. He made her feel and yearn like she'd never imagined. Even partially injured he still insisted that she gave everything, but not just for him, for herself as well. He'd been adamant that her pleasure was as great as his. He stripped her bare and left her with no defenses. Her political beliefs had been torn to shreds on Miranda and with it her belief in her profession, but what Malcolm Reynolds did to her as a woman left her nothing.

In his sleep he could feel tears wetting his chest. He ran his hand over her arm and held her tighter. "S'okay, 'Nara," the words came from his subconscious. He was dreaming that he held her as she was cried.

_3. At Last_

Each night for a week Inara joined Mal in his bunk. She learned the joys a man could bring to her body and that sleeping in his arms brought peace and tranquility. They discovered that waking up with their bodies wrapped tightly together made the day go smoother.

As Mal's strength returned, he no longer fell asleep first, so she'd turn toward the wall with his body tucked behind hers and cried silently. The only sign that he might suspect was the gentle way he'd kissed her shoulder and pulled her tighter against him murmuring, "'Nara, I got ya 'Nara."

After a week of her silent crying he couldn't stand it any longer. They'd made love and were huddled together in his bed. He knew instantly when her tears began and for once he wouldn't let her turn away.

"'Nara, ya gotta tell me what I'm doing that's hurtin' ya. I know you're used to refined gentlemen, and such." He reached for the small light by his bed. This was too important a conversation to hide it in the dark.

"It's not what you think, Mal." She pulled her most relaxed Companion smile out of her bag of tricks and plastered it on her face, though the effect was ruined when tears filled her eyes quicker than she could wipe them away.

"I told ya, I don't have no use for a Companion in my bed," he ground out as he pinned her beneath him.

"I know, I know and I'm sorry." When had Malcolm Reynolds become perceptive? It had been almost two months since she'd seen the deadly glint of blue anger in his eyes trained her way and it was her undoing. Her mask slipped away and she shivered. "You make me feel," the words ripped from deep inside of her. "You demand that I…feel…everything."

"Wait, wait, just one gorramn second." He shook his head as he thought back to a talk he'd had with the Shepherd. It had been a few weeks after Inara had left and the Captain had been drinkin' late one night. "So what Shepherd Book told me 'bout Companions was the truth? When you're with a client, you never…never…well…take anything for yourself?"

"That is correct," she whispered, unable to meet his eyes.

"How many men…ah…people," he amended, remembering she'd occasionally take a female client. "How many ever made ya feel." He figured a woman as passionate as 'Nara had to have had lovers along the way. It was anyone's guess what their gender might 'a been.

"Counting you?"

"Well 'course." He was sure he wasn't gonna like the answer and wished he'd kept his mouth shut.

"One," she whispered. She felt surprise go though his body and was suddenly embarrassed. But he ran his thumbs under her chin gently lifting until their eyes met.

"Truthful?" but even as he asked, he could see it in her gaze.

"Yes." She shivered as he tenderly kissed her hair where it met her forehead. "I thought you knew. I thought it was why you always demanded that I…that…my response was so important to you."

"Why, why did ya let me get past that wall 'a yours, if it was gonna hurt ya so much?" His heart sped and he wanted to tell her much more but was afraid it was too much too soon. A lot hinged on what she said.

"It's hard for me to go against years of training, but it doesn't hurt really. Devastating would be a better description." She bit her lip, closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she pushed against his shoulders. "I owe you the whole story, but I can't tell you if you're touching me. Please let me up."

The woman tied him into knots like no one else could. He finally had her in his bed and he wanted her there every gorramn night. From what she'd told him, he figured he could probably keep her there with some easy caresses, but it wasn't enough. He wanted her there 'cause she was doin' it 'a her own free will, so he nodded and let her move away from him, but no further than the end of his bed. "Here, least wrap this 'round ya before ya freeze." He passed her his army blanket that she'd brought into his bunk almost a week earlier and pulled the sheet over himself.

"Thank you," she whispered as she settled the comfortingly worn material around her shoulders and pulled her knees up to keep from shivering. "I was a Companion and a very good one. The day you showed me the shuttle and this ship, I fell in love."

"I gotta give ya that one, you've always loved _Serenity_." Mal smiled gently as he patted the worn bulkhead he was restin' his head against. It was good to be in the Black. He could admit it now, but he'd been afraid the old girl would never fly again. "Shows what good taste ya got."

"Yes, but….It wasn't only the boat I fell in love with," she whispered, afraid to look at him.

"'Nara…what…what…ya tryin' ta say?" He held out his arm for her, but she wouldn't move closer.

"I was still Inara then, and didn't understand." She shook her head at her foolishness. "I thought…I thought that it didn't matter. That my training would prevail…but I wrong." She finally looked at him and was relieved he hadn't bolted at her admission of feelings.

"Go on," his words were a soft rumble that caressed and soothed her.

"I should have realized much earlier." Her laugh was bitter and quiet. "It was right there staring me in the face. I've had years of training to recognize emotions." Her voice hitched and she covered her mouth with the tips of her fingers until she could continue. "My reaction when you dueled with Atherton." Just remembering how close he'd come to dying brought a huge lump to her throat. "And then the whole business with Saffron." She couldn't look at him, afraid he'd see. "I…I…"

This time he didn't wait for her to come to him, he moved toward her and brushed the side of her face in his hand, his fingers deep in her dark curls. "I knew, 'Nara, I knew as soon as the Doc said you had some 'a the drug in your system, too. If you'd kissed her like I accused ya of, you wouldn't have made it inta my bunk before ya passed out. I'm sorry, but I wasn't ready…I just wasn't ready."

"Neither of us was," she sighed and ran her hand up his arm until she cupped the hand that was pressed against her cheek. "I didn't know until I saw you walking out of Nandi's room buttoning your shirt and even then I didn't understand. I…ah…I could feel cracks forming in everything I believed and nothing made sense any longer." She wrapped her arms around her middle and let the sobs come as they had that terrible day.

"I…didn't…I…" He pulled her into his arms and held her while she cried, a thousand feelings bombarding him all at once. "Hush, _boebei, _I'm sorry." He kissed and petted her wishing he'd known months ago what he did now.

"You have nothing to apologize for. We knew the rules we lived by, even if they weren't written, or spoken. We knew them. But I couldn't live like that any longer and didn't see any way out except to leave."

"Ya coulda asked me? Ya coulda told me the truth?"

"I didn't know the truth. I was frightened and I thought getting away, running would give me the answers." She pulled out of his arms and looked him directly in the eyes. "Since it's a night for truthfulness, you need to hear it all."

He nodded and grew very still, afraid that she was going to run from his bed and his life as she'd done before. "I'm listening."

"When we returned to the boat after Nandi died, I canceled any appointments I had on the books." She was loosing her nerve and couldn't look him in the eyes any longer for fear of what she'd see. "I knew I couldn't ever let another man into my bed. The one I wanted didn't want me, so I left. I took the job teaching so I could still work as a Companion. I actually had some foolish idea that I might be able to regain my perspective."

"'Nara…" He tried to interrupt her, but she covered his mouth with a quick kiss then sat back.

"The changes had already taken place. It was too late. Somewhere along the way Inara had become 'Nara. 'Nara was a woman who wasn't in control. She yearned for a man she'd left behind. She feared for his life when she was forced to bring him to her side. She helped him fight an Operative sent by the Parliament. She escaped with the man who meant everything to her, leaving her old life behind." She moved closer to Mal and let the blanket fall from around her. "But mostly she's the woman who was torn free as you made love to her in a dark back corridor of _Serenity_ as both our lives were tumbling down around us. You ripped away anything that was left of the Companion, exposed every seam or crack where I had been shattered and created someone knew. Now there is only me, 'Nara." She shrugged helplessly. "I might have been able to hide that from myself a bit longer if I hadn't learned the truths you've known for years. If I hadn't seen all that was done on Miranda."

"'Nara, it fits so much better," he whispered. As she'd spoken he felt something deep inside fill with warmth. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears and it made him dizzy. Everything she said made complete sense because he'd felt it too. Holding her tightly he lay them down and turned until his body covered hers.

She ran a gentle finger across his cheek bone. "The past is like a distant memory and I only feel whole when you hold me in your arms. I can't imagine why you'd want a woman in your life, who isn't sure who she is. But I love you, maybe that counts for something."

"It counts for everythin', darlin'." He kissed her gently. "I ain't exactly a bargain myself, but I love ya and I have for a long time. Just hated to admit it, 'cause you were one more thing that belonged to the Alliance when ya should 'a been free."

"I'm free now," she smiled. "To go my own way, whatever that may be?"

"I'm partial to goin' my own way, too." He wondered if she realized she'd voiced one of the main slogans of the Independents. "Way I see it, 'Nara, there's no reason two people, if they love each other, can't go their own way, together."

"A lot of caveats and addendums you're putting in there Captain Reynolds." She laughed. "But you're right, no reason at all, since we do love each other."

"We sure do," he smiled and turned off the light as she moved her soft body against his.

**The End**


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